Day 183 Journey Into Life The ‘self-absorbed, you don’t care about anybody but yourself’ character Self Forgiveness

There is someone who I wrote about last week that is still within my internal conversations and back chat that I want to deal with. She works with my partner but the majority of the work has been done on saving her house and her needs and I have judged that she is just using the excuse to work with him to get what she wants from the deal to take care of her needs first. Whenever I have seen her or talked to her on the phone she says ‘Love ya’ at the end. When a traumatic event occurred a few weeks ago I never heard a word from her  so  I called her up  one day and said ‘you know, you say love ya a lot but you have a funny way of showing it since  you have not called me once to see how I am. She said, ‘I didn’t think you liked me’. We never finished the conversation because she had to go but she said she would call me back. She never did. One day while on Skype to my partner she was in the background saying, ‘I’ll have to come down to Mexico so I can walk on the beach, I really need that for myself’ My first  internal reaction thought was ‘thanks for calling me back and showing any concern for my well-being, if you think you are coming to stay with me so you can walk on the beach then think again you self-absorbed bitch.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the self-absorbed, you don’t care about anybody but yourself’ character where I separate myself from myself and project this character onto someone else as being self-absorbed and not caring about anybody else without seeing/ realizing/understanding that I have also embodied the character as energy within myself and have not been able to see it in myself because I focus that on everyone else as a mirror within my quantum mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into this character when I believe I have been left out, that someone is doing something only in their self-interest using something that they got from me or my partner and are not reciprocating appreciation not seeing/realizing/understanding that she may in fact think that I don’t like her from they way I act and have spoken to her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus so much on what they are doing to feel justified in what I am thinking and believing about them to gain evidence that they are self-absorbed and don’t think about anyone else that I can’t see that I am self-absorbed in being consumed within this character myself.

Fear Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I really say what I want to this person, my partner will never speak to me again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I talk to this person then I won’t be able to say anything without anger and hostility that she takes up all my partner’s time even when he was visiting me and had to spend the bulk of the time writing documents for her house

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear every time my partner gives her money that I don’t have enough for myself  and go into a reaction within myself that she doesn’t deserve it and she is just using him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear if she tells me she is coming to my home that I will get angry and not be able to contain myself that she never returned my call and that she is self-absorbed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I can’t see where I am being self-absorbed and that she is just mirroring that to me within myself

Thought Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself when I say where did that money go and my partner says P, I then think we can’t afford her and I go into all the litany of why she doesn’t deserve it especially that she never called me and gave me any support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought that  I can’t say anything or else an argument will happen

Imagination Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine when she tells me that she’s coming to Mexico to walk on the beach I say yes the hotel is really nice down here, have a good time without seeing realizing, understanding that I am being spiteful and reactive and petty to her not calling me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine in my mind telling her how much she has put a burden on me by insisting on getting paid and having my partner do all the work for her while he husband stays at home, drinks and watches tv without really knowing the circumstances of her life but only thinking about me self interest and not being appreciative of the work she has done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not just calling and asking her why she didn’t call me or care to find out about with without and edge or with having an energy rush but just finding out with a civil conversation but instead I chose to go into the personality and act it out in my mind so in fact I am the one who is self-absorbed.

 

Reaction Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reactions within myself of anger that this person never called me back after she took my number and said she would, yet went to spend a week with my partner to do work and had ample opportunity to call me when I could have just as easily called her and finished the conversation but I was too afraid that I would get angry with her and say something I would regret or get me in trouble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a reaction when my partner said he used all the money in the bank account to pay her when he spent the bulk of his time working on her house not seeing/realizing/understanding that she has done other work for him and that my partner says he is using her case as a learning curve and that my real issue is that I think that she is self-absorbed and only thinks about herself and never thought about supporting me or calling me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself when she said that she wanted to walk on the beach in Mexico that I reacted within and as myself with anger and back chat wanting to be mean and retaliate and tell her that she is not welcome in my home for not returning my call or caring about my situation not really knowing what she thinks or feels inside without asking her but just assuming what I think.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that within me is the self-absorbed character and that I see this person as a threat, someone to compete with or compare myself to and resent that I have to give her money.

Feelings and Emotions Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for feeling guilty that I have all these thoughts, back chat and internal conversations about this person because I am afraid of confronting the issue head on, saying what I see, fear of backlash that she will go to my partner and tell him what I said, not seeing/realizing/understanding that the guilt compromises the entire situation and that I am abdicating my responsibility to just communicate  with straight forwardness without an energy charge

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel self-pity and self-absorbed in that because I don’t get the result that I want which is wanting/desiring support from someone who I feel I have given a lot to and that they have benefitted from me and for not seeing/realizing/understanding that having expectations upon someone else will never be fulfilled to my expectations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for feeling left out, ignored, not taken into consideration and that I want to retaliate by being mean and not sharing what I have because I didn’t get what I wanted.

Back Chat Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the back chat, ‘you selfish, self-absorbed bitch, how come you always just think about yourself? Do you not think about others? After all you are getting paid and not having to pay a mortgage or anything and getting tons of free work. Didn’t it even cross your mind to call me and support me?’ not seeing/realizing/understanding that I was being selfish and self-absorbed when I had a traumatic event and I was feeling sorry for myself and I don’t think about others when I am in survival but only think about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the back chat ‘your husband is a dead beat alcoholic and won’t even go get a freaking job and so you use my partner for everything to rescue you from your financial woes that you created because of  your irresponsibility .’ without seeing/realizing/understand that my partner has done a lot to help me get settled and make sure I have everything where I am and that the back chat comes from jealousy and competition and anger with giving her money  and that I think her husband should support her with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having the back chat ‘you just spend all your money on wine and weed to keep yourself medicated with your drugged-up husband and use my partner for your own agenda’ when it really is none of my business what she spends her money on and that I am being spiteful within and as myself by gossiping within my own mind about her situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the back chat, ‘if you call me and tell me you are coming to Mexico to walk on the beach then I will say there are plenty of beaches everywhere’  as a way of communicating my anger not seeing/realizing/understanding that I am angry that she never called me, never supported me to the way that I desired and  without seeing/realizing/understand that perhaps she was right that I don’t like her and she was afraid to do that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the back chat ‘you are a manipulator’ when I myself have manipulated many situation to get what I want and that she is mirroring that which is already within myself

Memories

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see the memories that my mother had about other woman like my aunts and her friends where she would go into the personality and say ‘who does she think she is?’ where she thought they were self-absorbed and only thought about themselves and she would feel hurt and left out when they didn’t call her when she was going through rough times and that I have copied and emulated those memories that are in my flesh as energy that I act out and behave like my mother.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that my mother would freak out if my father spent money that she wouldn’t have enough to survive and that I have that within my body of fear of surviving when my partner gives someone money that I don’t think deserves it.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that where I come from  is being like my mother as being  in the character of self-absorbed and not caring about anybody but myself because of this fear of survival and having to compete with others

I forgive myself that I haven’t  accepted and allowed myself to see that the framework of seeing reality as people being self-absorbed comes from everyone being absorbed in their own energy bubble of getting more and more energy for the mind and that I am getting energy myself from being angry at everyone for being that way and judging them for it.

Physical Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel within my body uptightness, rigidity when I hear P’s voice and go into my back chat and judgmentalness not seeing/realizing/understanding that I am stealing substance from my physical body and converting it into energy by going into this personality and character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a pang in my gut when my partner tells me that he just transferred money into her account where then I go into the mind and want to explain all the back chat that I have about that and why she doesn’t deserve it or why he shouldn’t have done that

Consequence Dimension

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself  to see/realize/understand that I have created consequences of being isolated, alone, separate by creating this character that I project onto others because I was unwilling to go through the steps to stop projecting this character onto others and forgive myself and forgive them for how we all are

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not seeing/realizing/understanding that I am the source of all of this and if I react, have fear, have back chat and internal conversations then I am prolonging finding the solution to be able to transcend this point within myself and blaming others for not doing it thus creating more and more separation within the world by not being the solution.

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