Day 206 Journey into Life “The Outsider” Personality

splash_logoI find it fascinating that you can be going through something and listen to an interview on Eqafe.com and find the exact same thing that they are talking about which can assist you with your process. For example, something occurred yesterday  with someone who  I got triggered as a personality within me and then I listened to Evolution of Energy and Experience in Relationships – Reptilians – Part 130 and it really broke it down for me so that I did not have to have a full-fledged mind possession and create another personality. I would say this is my  ‘one point’ that I have gone through over and over again in my life with different variations on the theme.

Since I had a little extra time I decided to volunteer time with a group where I could give some of my creative input into. I did some serious thinking about it and wrote some things down about different ideas that others seemed to really like on how to approach the project and since there didn’t look like there was a leader to the group I assumed I could take that upon myself and be the leader. We started the conference call and someone else announced that they were the leader without asking if that was how everybody else saw it or if we would like to vote on it. I immediately felt this surge of energy go up my body and jolt my body forward with a flushing in my face as Enlil said on the Relationship Interview. The back chat started especially that this person took control without finding out what others had previously done. I immediately went into my mind  to the people who may be the authority in the situation and thought that they didn’t like me and so they took the authority to make this person the leader to make sure I didn’t have any creative control. Then came the ‘I’m not good enough for the job’ rhetoric followed by the positive ,’Whew, I don’t want to do it anyway. I’m glad they are taking on the responsibility.’ Then the back chat started about the new leader, which was  “don’ t they have enough to do already ? and they should give it to people who could learn and make mistakes ” “they have total control over the project and I am better than them because I have more experience in projects like these and so it won’t turn out to my liking”to “they will probably do a very good job and get all the accolades and I will be the ‘outsider’ looking in.”

So in the Evolution of Energy and Experience in Relationships – Reptilians – Part 130 it says to write everything down about this person and then  see if there was an earlier memory with them and by George there was. It all started when I came into this group and didn’t go by certain protocol because no one informed me of that and this person used their control, power and authority over me and made a comment about my breaking protocol, not ‘welcome Andrea, nice to have you here’ as I was expecting to hear. So right there I had the same reaction the energy up my body, the jolt of the body, the flushing of the face from feeling embarrassed, the back chat, “who the hell do they think they are?” So now then opening up the point there came many memories of that type of person in my life that I called the Miss Goody Two-Shoes, the Teacher’s Pet, my sister, the worker who never complained and did all their work properly but would gossip about me not following the rules to the boss, the person that didn’t acknowledge me for the work I had done and took credit for themselves, the teachers that would look me over and give the project to someone else because they didn’t like me.

Memories.

My father and mother looking at each other  and have that look the had about me when I think I am going to go along and do something and they are going to tell me that I can’t go but I think it is that they don’t want me to come with them.

Telling my father and mother how the girls invited me to the skating rink when it was 40 below and no one was there just to be mean and my parent saying I must have done something wrong

Sitting on my parents bed and hearing the music downstairs where me sister is having a party and not being invited

The teacher who threw me out of the class because I didn’t sing the right song in Grade 1

Not being invited to a party

Not being picked for the school team

Being fired from a job where the boss what spying on me through a hole in the wall

Being fired from a job where the 2 bosses looked at each other with a certain look that there was something wrong with me

Not being asked to join a clique at school

Falling down a flight of stairs with my tap shoes on and no one helping me to get up when I can’t move

Two girls at work talking about me behind my back and when I come closer they stop and deny talking about me

Looking outside the window and seeing all the kids playing outside

Being at my friend’s house  when I was about 6 and seeing lots of comic books in the trash and wondering why she didn’t offer them to me but too afraid to ask

Being ignored on chats when I make suggestions

Thought Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought, a picture of being left out, overlooked, like I don’t exist feeling as someone else takes on the position

Fear Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have  the fear that I am not liked, that I am not good enough, that I am considered a loose cannon, that I am thought of as incompetent by others and that they just pretend that I am okay but underneath  it they don’t

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fear that someone above me has made an executive decision about me that they don’t think I am competent enough for the job and that they have influenced others into thinking that way and have overstepped their authority and have not been forth right in communicating to me directly and thus controlled everything to make sure I wouldn’t get the job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fear that others are talking behind my back and saying things about me like ‘isn’t it nice she had some good ideas but there is no way in hell we are letting her lead this project ‘and not telling me directly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ignored that when someone is ignoring me that means they are afraid to tell me what they are really thinking which is they don’t see me as competent or they think I am crazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this person who has the job now because I believe they are  a  Goody Two-Shoes and would report any bad behavior or off the wall ideas to the authorities and have me gotten rid of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people are conspiring against me and are too chicken shit to admit it because they like to hide behind their niceties

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am never liked because I don’t fit the status quo and the regular societal norm and that people smile at me but behind think I am off the wall.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that this paranoia stems from my religion of self and thinking everyone is out to get me instead of just asking out right and having a conversation about it without all the energy of fear or emotion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a certain look on people’s faces just before I am about to get fired, or told that I am not invited to participate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the person who does the firing me or talking as someone who is out to get me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my parents and siblings really didn’t want me as part of the family and felt embarrassed by me and that their smiles and looks on their faces were fake.

Reaction Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a reaction of getting very hot and feeling an energy go up into my chest and head and jolting forward  then feeling stunned and not being able to move when I have the belief and self-judgement that I am being seen as an ‘outsider’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for believing that people aren’t really telling me the truth about what is really going on because they don’t want to look directly at me and tell me the truth about what they think about me and that I don’t fit their standards or I am too weird.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go on and challenge the person who has just determined that I won’t be involved by trying to show them up or pretending like it doesn’t bother me what they did but secretly I want to get back at them but I want to seem like I am above them and more superior to them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a reaction of feeling not good enough as the negative , but then relieved as the positive because I don’t want them to criticize me anyway and would rather not risk that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confront people on what the truth is and when they have a look of surprise or look embarrassed and say nothing is going on , I think I know that something really is but then I don’t  get the answer I am seeking and get further irritated by that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react by not participating again with people who I think did something to embarrass me or not tell the truth to me so that I don’t have to look at them again

Back Chat dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the negative  back chat, “what a control freak, they don’t even ask if anyone else would like to team lead the project, X probably told them to make sure I wasn’t the leader because they think I am a nut job and wouldn’t do a good job that they would like and my ideas are too radical for them”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the  positive back chat, ‘they are the pet and no one else could be trusted because they never tip the boat like I do’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the  negative back chat, ‘no one trusts me because I am  too weird and they just won’t say it out loud so they just skip over that part l and hope I don’t say anything’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the positive back chat, ‘I’m not that good anyway, I don’t have the technical skills like these twenty somethings”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the negative back chat,  ‘Yay, I am out of this one, I don’t need the aggravation anyway’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the positive  back chat, ‘But fuck if I did it, it would be fucking fantastic, they won’t see a masterpiece like I would make’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the negative  back chat  “they probably don’t even remember when they humiliated me in front of the group instead of welcoming me, what a self-absorbed asshole’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the back chat, ‘Fuck them, if they ask me to do anything for them again they can forget it, they missed their opportunity”

Memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have all the memories where I am looking outside of a situation and experiencing myself as the ‘outsider’ personality where every one seems that they are trying to find a way to exclude me without making it too apparent

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that these were all the preprogrammed designs within me and the memory pixels within my physical body create the energy over and over again in different situations when I get triggered  by a situation where I feel like the outsider and the mind goes into these memories to start the personality and it is not really occurring HERE in actual real-time but I am going into the memory instead.  Please listen to: Quantum Mind Self Awareness – STEP 35 to understand this.

Feelings and Emotions Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the feelings of jealousy when someone else  gets picked over me and I feel not good enough or looked over because I am different and don’t fit in with the rest of the crowd.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hollow like I don’t exist and no one recognizes me as someone real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see life like a movie that I am excluded and separated from

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt but then pretend that it doesn’t matter because ‘who needs jerks like them?’ so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry on and pretend that I am part of the group and make my contribution but really I am not there as I am dealing with all the feelings, emotions and reactions within and as myself

Consequence Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create consequences for myself as being the ‘outsider’ personality by always being on the outside and a moment away from just walking away from everything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create consequences of creating energy from the substance of my physical body by being in the ‘outsider’ personality which is an illusory personality  that keeps me separate and isolated from LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have excuses to not be involved on the inside because I believe that everyone sees me as an outsider and so I don’t have to take on the real work because I am separate from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divide within my mind the insider and the outsider and so by creating that within my mind I have created separation and polarity and live as the personality of the outsider wanting not to get in and wanting to get in as another polarity within my mind all occupying my mind instead of working together with individuals as what is Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my reality on what I think others think about me and act accordingly and actually pulling out before things start to happen because I am sure along the process they are going to treat me like an outsider when it is really all within my mind as a delusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a reality bubble of energy thinking that I am right but all the while maintaining separation from others as a means of getting energy from my physical body to create the illusion.

Commitment statements to follow in my next blog

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