Day 238 Journey to Life ‘Fear of Making Mistakes’ Character

mistakeA couple of days ago, I fell by not breathing through something but reacting to someone by trying to prove a point and be right.  The person I was with  when I was on the phone with this other person reacted to me and got very angry and called me a ‘stupid idiot’ and said that I haven’t learnt anything because I reacted to his friend instead of rising above it and just going along with the person. Then an argument ensued where I said I made a mistake but the other person wouldn’t relent and kept insisting that I hadn’t learnt anything. I became really distressed because it brought up childhood memories of having to be perfect and not being allowed to make mistakes for fear of being reprimanded.

Memories

My father is pointing to something in a very angry voice and asking “Did you do this?” and I was terrified to say yes because he wouldn’t let it go if I said yes and he would punish me and so I lied and said “no” which infuriated him either further to where he raised his voice and yelled at me and I cowered because I was sure he was going to hit me. He kept going on and on and calling me a stupid kid.

I have got caught in a bar and taken in the back and they have called my father and he kicks me all the way through the bar in front of all the people. In the car he says he is going to kill me when we get home. I jump out of the car and go to the neighbor’s house crying.

I am with my sister and she is telling me that I was a “mistake” because people don’t have children when they were as old as my parents were.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an energy charge around the word “mistake” that I defined as something wrong and bad and that I would be punished for if I made one because ultimately I felt like I was a mistake and so I lived my life as very cautious and afraid to make any mistakes for fear of reprisal and then abandonment not knowing how to deal with all the feelings and emotions that would come up when I made mistakes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the “fear of making mistakes” character where I separated myself from myself into this character from memories as pixels and energy when I was a child and living with my father who frequently pointed out my mistakes with anger and energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed all the mistakes that I thought I had made within and as my physical body trying to hide them and myself from others that I think have power over me and who want to humiliate me for making them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not seen/realized/understood that making mistakes is a way of learning but that I would make them from feeling something familiar as getting attention from my father because that is the only time he would pay attention to me and that all the mistakes I made were embodied within me as memories that activated emotions and feelings whenever I made a mistake and created more and more layers within my physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have seen/realized/understood that my grandfather was in the habit of pointing out my father’s mistakes continually and that is the pattern he learned to be with his children when he was angry and would project that anger onto us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have pointed out other people’s mistakes like my father did to me as a way of carrying on the sins of the father when I feel uncomfortable with someone, when they point out my mistakes or when I want to retaliate with someone who gets angry at me or points out my mistakes

Thought Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought as a picture and experience of making a mistake and doing something that would cause someone to get very angry with me where a series of events would occur and I would go into a victimized character  in all the dimensions where I was sure I would be punished and ostracized by that person to where I would feel abandoned and very wrong.

Fear Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake because someone would get angry with me and keep pointing it out and make comments about me being stupid, bad, wrong where I would go into an energy experience of fear and terror that I would be punished and/or hit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that even if I own up to my mistake that the other person will keep yelling at me and keep making me wrong and so I developed a defense mechanism of first denying what I did because I was trying to deflect what I knew was coming next but that would never work because I was still punished and yelled at and called names.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that this would now be added to the list of something I did wrong or made a mistake with and I would never hear the end of it and it would be brought into the litany of all the other stupid things that I had done or mistakes that I had made.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being punished and hit by a force of anger from another person who was mostly my father that eventually I did things that provoked him because I knew it was coming anyway so I may as well get it over with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself of fearing that I am not going to do something perfectly and that if I make a mistake it will have severe consequences so I didn’t end up doing a lot of things for fear of making mistakes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that look on my father’s face which is one of anger and disapproval and so I created walking around on eggshells when I was around him cowering because I was sure eventually I was going to be yelled at, called names or be hit.

Feelings and Emotions Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly be in a state of terror around someone who has authority over me where I am going to make a mistake and have to pay for it by being humiliated, ostracized, yelled at, hit to where I am speechless and can’t say anything or where I do say something that further provokes the other person and it goes into even more extreme violence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into feeling abandoned and alone and panic after someone has yelled at me and called me names or punished me for making a mistake.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry within myself  and feel an electric charge of energy and react when someone is pointing out my mistakes to where I want to lash out and hit them back for making me feel this way and so if I did these things the energy would escalate rapidly and things would get very violent.

Physical Reaction Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cower and scrunch my body and raise by hands to try to protect myself when I encounter someone when they are angry that I did something wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start to cry and be terrified that I am going to get punished and hope for the best if I cry and look like a victim and the other person will stop blaming me and yelling at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the defiant mode where I stand there and egg on someone to go ahead and hit me then and try to show that person that they are just as bad if they have to react to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run and lock myself in the bathroom and cry when I was a child and my father would run after me and pound on the door and I would be hoping he would eventually go away and calm down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk like I am walking on eggshells around my father and other people I am scared of for fear of being punished or that I am going to do something that will offend them by making a mistake.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pain in my ears and then pain within my solar plexus  and then become paralyzed with fear when someone is pointing out my mistakes and that I worry that someone else is watching and that I will be humiliated by my mistakes in front of others and that they will use it against me later on like my siblings did or make fun of me for making the mistake  to take the heat off themselves.

Imagination Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine running away and going somewhere else because I can’t stand the terror and fear of having to live with an angry violent person and so I would escape within and as my mind to other places or live with other people’s families to get away in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine retaliating by being superior to everyone else who has pointed out my mistakes by finding their mistakes and making it known that I know.

Back Chat Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have back chat like, “I hate him, I can’t stand him, I am going to get away and never come back and he will never get to do this to me again” every time that I was punished or my mistakes were pointed out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have back chat like, “Why can’t he be like other kid’s fathers who sit down and talk to me  and show me how to do it right without all the anger?”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have back chat  like, “I didn’t do anything wrong, why is this so unfair?, I just made a stupid mistake, I didn’t kill anyone!” as the language of the character feeling victimized by someone else’s words and actions.

Consequence Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live over and over again redundantly this pattern of making mistakes, having someone get angry with me to where I debase myself and feel unworthy in myself paralyzed with fear and wish to go away somewhere else where I don’t experience any more violence within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created this energy over and over again stealing substance from my physical body to where I weaken myself and have created more consequences within my physical body by going into stances of the character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the familiarity of the energy of this character as feeling something because it happened so regularly when I was a child and that is how I defined family as someone pointing out my mistakes and faults so I react when someone is pointing out my mistakes like I am a child being reprimanded instead of just hearing what someone is saying  and breathing without all the reaction and rebuttal within my mind

continued in the next blog….

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