Continuing with my walking of the process of imperfection/perfection. I am finding this is a very challenging system to walk as it has driven me quite extensively. I look deeper into the word imperfect from listening to this interview https://eqafe.com/i/ateale-perfection-getting-back-to-yourself-atlanteans-part-427
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my mind of the trinity of perfection : perfection, perfectionist and perfectionism drive me most of the time in a mechanized mind system and to not see what is behind it all of what I am hiding and obscuring so have not gone through the layers of truth but became mechanized as this system based on memories of having to live in perfectionism.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not have seen/realized/understood that what is driving me is my obsession with my imperfection and to see it in everything and to think that I have to make it perfect
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find faults, wrongs, flaws, mistakes in all the imperfections and to focus on that in everything, so that I feel wrong, bad and imperfect going into an energetic experience of feeling inferior, diminished and devalued when I see all the imperfections in myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on others imperfections as a way of feeling superior in myself to separate myself from others but then eventually feel wrong and bad for doing that and become really hard on myself feeling embarrassed and want to quit because I focused on all the flaws and imperfections instead of what works and their being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have seen/realized/understood that this was all based on memories of being a child and feeling I could not do anything right and was about to be criticized and chastised for what I did so to take that energy and focus it on someone exteriorly from me and find all their faults and lash out on them to get rid of the energy that I experienced by having all my imperfections pointed out to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to finding all the wrong things in what someone says or does, all their flaws and imperfections and point them out to them thinking that I am doing them a favor even though I hate having someone point mine out to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel violent in myself when someone points out my imperfections and want to lash out at the person and tell them what is wrong with what they do and override what I feel inside or project it outwardly towards them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others as being less perfect than them and have this constant reminder in my head when my parents would say, “why can’t you be like your sister, she does things perfectly” where I diminish myself and think I can never be like that and thus give up trying having a feeling of hatred towards her and them and back chat that she only does it to show me up about how imperfect I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on how imperfect things are like when movie scripts don’t add up, when people build things wrong, when someone really screws up on a document or files it improperly and have this feeling of anger and righteousness that they did it imperfectly and it needs to be perfect reminding me of how my father was around me all the time watching every move I made and was ready and quick to point out and jump on me about how imperfect I did something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined imperfect as something wrong, bad, faulty, obscene, and to go to any lengths to cover it up if it is me or point it out if it is someone else especially if I don’t like them as an attack and weapon against them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to point out someone’s imperfections when they have pointed out mine in the past to even the score and to play a game of competition of who has more faults and imperfections.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into pride when I think someone else thinks I did something perfectly but always have a niggling thought or emotion that they are going to find something imperfect about it or me and bring it up where I would then fall and diminish myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fear that I will be seen as imperfect and that people will talk about me behind my back about mistakes that I have made in the past and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find other’s imperfections to be ready on the quick in case they do that, that I am able to have a comeback with all their imperfections in their past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fear of other’s imperfections especially if I am associated with them and that what they do will reflect on me in some way and so become obsessed with trying to make them look perfect to others so I don’t have to look bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take personal what others on my team do and that if they do something imperfect then I will look bad as well and want to separate from them if stuff comes up about them so it doesn’t reflect on me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to guard, protect, deflect and have defense mechanisms for anything that I would have to do with imperfection and to not claim it as mine as I would see that is a weakness and so blame it on someone else that they did it and it had nothing to do with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy when someone does something imperfectly so I can hold that as a memory if and when it comes up again and remind them how they made a mistake so I can feel superior in myself especially if they challenge me in any way about my imperfection.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and diminish myself when I do that and think of myself as bad and wrong for holding onto people’s mistakes and using it against them and to make them wrong if they so that to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an energy of dread and darkness when I think someone has found out how imperfect I am and they show signs of disappointment or they appear to me to judge me for being imperfect where I feel I must tell them all the other things I did do that was perfect so they would like me again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and anxiety when things are imperfect in my world and someone enters it as I fear they will keep an accounting like I have done and remember that and keep reminding me of it and so try to keep up appearances of perfection to protect myself.
When and as I see myself go into judging myself about my imperfection, I stop and breathe and slow it all down as I see/realize/understand that I am within the system of perfection/imperfection within my mind consciousness creating a polarity and energy inside of myself where I go into all kinds of behaviors and protection and defense mechanisms and let the system over take me and direct things.
I commit myself to be the directive principle and to not let this system be the driver.
Whenever I start to make anyone wrong for what I judge as their imperfection where I hold memories and accounting that they did something wrong so I can use it against them in the future if they point out my imperfection, I stop and I breathe and I let it go as I see/realize/understand that this will create conflict and friction with another and that there is no solution in it at all but only energy of inferiority/superiority. I continue to change in the moment where I see someone’s attributes and focus on that instead of what they did wrong.
I commit myself to support people in their strengths and in their weaknesses instead of finding their faults and have it turn into a polarity game.
I commit myself to stop looking at life as perfect and imperfect but just what it is that can come into a fuller expression of potential as I see/realize/understand that this is a system of win and lose and ultimately no winners in it at all.