Day 728 Imperfect Part 3

img imperfectContinuing with my walking of the process of imperfection/perfection. I am finding this is a very challenging system to walk as it has driven me quite extensively. I look deeper into the word imperfect from listening to this interview https://eqafe.com/i/ateale-perfection-getting-back-to-yourself-atlanteans-part-427

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my mind of the trinity of perfection : perfection, perfectionist and perfectionism drive me most of the time in a mechanized mind system and to not see what is behind it all of what I am hiding and obscuring so have not gone through the layers of truth but became mechanized as this system based on memories of having to live in perfectionism.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not have seen/realized/understood that what is driving me is my obsession with my imperfection and to see it in everything and to think that I have to make it perfect

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find faults, wrongs, flaws, mistakes in all the imperfections and to focus on that in everything, so that I feel wrong, bad and imperfect going into an energetic experience of feeling inferior, diminished and devalued when I see all the imperfections in myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on others imperfections as a way of feeling superior in myself to separate myself from others but then eventually feel wrong and bad for doing that and become really hard on myself feeling embarrassed and want to quit because I focused on all the flaws and imperfections instead of what works and their being.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have seen/realized/understood that this was all based on memories of being a child and feeling I could not do anything right and was about to be criticized and chastised for what I did so to take that energy and focus it on someone exteriorly from me and find all their faults and lash out on them to get rid of the energy that I experienced by having all my imperfections pointed out to me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to finding all the wrong things in what someone says or does, all their flaws and imperfections and point them out to them thinking that I am doing them a favor even though I hate having someone point mine out to me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel violent in myself when someone points out my imperfections and want to lash out at the person and tell them what is wrong with what they do and override what I feel inside or project it outwardly towards them.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others as being less perfect than them and have this constant reminder in my head when my parents would say, “why can’t you be like your sister, she does things perfectly” where I diminish myself and think I can never be like that and thus give up trying having a feeling of hatred towards her and them and back chat that she only does it to show me up about how imperfect I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on how imperfect things are like when movie scripts don’t add up, when people build things wrong, when someone really screws up on a document or files it improperly and have this feeling of anger and righteousness that they did it imperfectly and it needs to be perfect reminding me of how my father was around me all the time watching every move I made and was ready and quick to point out and jump on me about how imperfect I did something.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined imperfect as something wrong, bad, faulty, obscene, and to go to any lengths to cover it up if it is me or point it out if it is someone else especially if I don’t like them as an attack and weapon against them.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to point out someone’s imperfections when they have pointed out mine in the past to even the score and to play a game of competition of who has more faults and imperfections.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into pride when I think someone else thinks I did something perfectly but always have a niggling thought or emotion that they are going to find something imperfect about it or me and bring it up where I would then fall and diminish myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fear that I will be seen as imperfect and that people will talk about me behind my back about mistakes that I have made in the past and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find other’s imperfections to be ready on the quick in case they do that, that I am able to have a comeback with all their imperfections in their past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fear of other’s imperfections especially if I am associated with them and that what they do will reflect on me in some way and so become obsessed with trying to make them look perfect to others so I don’t have to look bad.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take personal what others on my team do and that if they do something imperfect then I will look bad as well and want to separate from them if stuff comes up about them so it doesn’t reflect on me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to guard, protect, deflect and have defense mechanisms for anything that I would have to do with imperfection and to not claim it as mine as I would see that is a weakness and so blame it on someone else that they did it and it had nothing to do with me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy when someone does something imperfectly so I can hold that as a memory if and when it comes up again and remind them how they made a mistake so I can feel superior in myself especially if they challenge me in any way about my imperfection.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and diminish myself when I do that and think of myself as bad and wrong for holding onto people’s mistakes and using it against them and to make them wrong if they so that to me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an energy of dread and darkness when I think someone has found out how imperfect I am and they show signs of disappointment or they appear to me to judge me for being imperfect where I feel I must tell them all the other things I did do that was perfect so they would like me again.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and anxiety when things are imperfect in my world and someone enters it as I fear they will keep an accounting like I have done and remember that and keep reminding me of it and so try to keep up appearances of perfection to protect myself.

 

When and as I see myself go into judging myself about my imperfection, I stop and breathe and slow it all down as I see/realize/understand that I am within the system of perfection/imperfection within my mind consciousness creating a polarity and energy inside of myself where I go into all kinds of behaviors and protection and defense mechanisms and let the system over take me and direct things.

 

I commit myself to be the directive principle and to not let this system be the driver.

 

Whenever I start to make anyone wrong for what I judge as their imperfection where I hold memories and accounting that they did something wrong so I can use it against them in the future if they point out my imperfection, I stop and I breathe and I let it go as I see/realize/understand that this will create conflict and friction with another and that there is no solution in it at all but only energy of inferiority/superiority. I continue to change in the moment where I see someone’s attributes and focus on that instead of what they did wrong.

 

I commit myself to support people in their strengths and in their weaknesses instead of finding their faults and have it turn into a polarity game.

 

I commit myself to stop looking at life as perfect and imperfect but just what it is that can come into a fuller expression of potential as I see/realize/understand that this is a system of win and lose and ultimately no winners in it at all.

Day 727 Perfect, Perfectionist, Perfectionism Part 2

 

imperfect-creme-cut_1000

 

Continuing on from the series https://eqafe.com/i/ateale-perfection-what-is-perfection-really-atlanteans-part-425 I am opening up more points for myself with the suggestions of what is underneath emotionally.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that how I have defined the words perfect/perfection/perfectionist/perfectionism guides me in my self-expression and that I have systematized these words in masking emotional experiences that I have of myself attempting to make a statement of who I think I am as opposed to what exists within me as an emotional state.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I wanted/needed/desired to act in perfection and be perfect so as to be noticed, accepted, relieved, be part of something, be accredited with a talent so that I felt okay in myself.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have never known what perfection is as everything was in my mind and what I had defined it as based on emotional and feeling experiences.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judgment of another and self judgment when I see someone do something perfectly in my mind and think I could never be that perfect and go into jealousy, competition, comparison, disempowerment, self devaluing when I can’t live up to someone else’s perfection and want to give up or not try it myself

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand what the emotional experience behind the wanting/needing/desiring to be perfect is and that the drive and possession is which is anxiety, nervousness, needing to please another, heaviness in my body of a feeling of paralysis when needing to be perfect and not feeling not good enough where I want to move that energy out of my body from all the discomfort I feel and put it into a want/need/desire to be perfect.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into rejection, frustration, anger, hate, spite when someone points out my imperfection especially if they were the one that I was trying to please or show how perfect I am at something where I have identified with the state of perfection I was trying to achieve and take the criticism as a criticism of me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to walk my process perfectly and become hard on myself and judge myself when I am not meticulous and miss things or give up when I could investigate further or not keep to a regular schedule instead of developing my being and my stand and not becoming obsessed with what I think I should be doing in a mechanized way of perfection.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and frustrated when something is not done perfectly and to judge others when their work isn’t perfect in my interpretation of perfection and to express that in my demeanor and with energy when I am handed or see something I judge is not perfect copying and emulating my parents and teachers when they did the same thing and feeling superior with energy not seeing/realizing/understanding that I never did it perfectly either.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was born flawed and not perfect and that others have more perfection than I do especially if they are really talented and so give up even trying if I don’t think I could get to their level of perfection.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a whirlwind of energy in my solar plexus and feel anxious, stressed, fear, heaviness when I feel someone is expecting me to do something perfectly and when I don’t live up to their expectations become upset, angry, frustrated inside of myself not seeing/realizing/understanding that it is my own self judgment and in most times no one is even looking to see if I did it perfectly.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a positive energy experience where I feel like tumblers in a lock fit and go click in my solar plexus feeling happy and gleeful in a superior mode reminiscent of when I got straight A’s in school and top of the honor roll where I felt like a somebody and couldn’t wait to show my parents that I got perfect marks.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become disappointed and upset if they didn’t really say anything to my liking and give me the attention I think I deserved and go into back chat and hatred that I wasn’t noticed enough for doing something perfectly not seeing/realizing/understanding that I was doing it all for outside approval instead of the satisfaction of working hard to get the good marks and what I had to do that.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go on an emotional roller coaster when it comes to the words of perfect, perfection, perfectionist and perfectionism where I have narrowly defined myself and have deep seeded fear that I will never live up to those words.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind and deflect and become defensive if people question my imperfection and have a feeling of fear and anxiousness when they allude to that I am not really perfect and feel I need to go into defensiveness and projection that they aren’t perfect either

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to work through emotional and feeling experiences that I am afraid of or have not dealt with not being perfect.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect perfection from others and wish they would be the perfect friend, partner, associate, student, parent, sibling, neighbor, roommate where I am seeking an experience that if they would just be perfect and do the things that are needed perfectly then my life would be more perfect.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the imperfections a lot easier than the perfection and focus on what is not being done or what is imperfect and then trying to control from a place of fearing the imperfections where my emotional state comes out even more.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have seen/realized/understood that I have been controlling my emotions and suppressing them within the system of perfection and keeping myself under wraps to not see all the dimensions of emotions that I have suppressed.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged  and defined the word imperfect as something wrong and bad and to be avoided as a system word and go into polarity of trying to be perfect to not be imperfect thinking all the while that I am imperfect and trying to hide it or point it out in others to deflect what I think is imperfect in a mind game for energy instead of seeing that everything is imperfect and can be created into perfection as that is what creation is.

 

When and as I see myself go into emotional experiences based on not being perfect or comparing myself to someone who is in my mind more perfect than me and then want to focus on their imperfections so I can feel better about myself, I stop and breathe and do not go into making myself wrong, feeling angry and frustrated or making the other wrong but see/realize/understand that I have entered and emotional experience that I have controlled through the words of perfect, perfection, perfectionism, perfectionist that are limiting and being suppressed within me.

 

When and as I see myself go into emotional experiences with regards to perfection, I stop and breathe and examine what they are, name them and look at what words I can live and change in real time to the living words

 

I commit myself to examine the emotions underneath the control of when I want to be perfect or when I am focusing on the imperfections of myself or others to breathe and to let go of them as they come up dissipating the energy as I see/realize/understand that I am attempting to suppress other emotions that are driving me into the perfection.

 

I commit myself to redefine what perfection is from my being and not from systematized behavior of perfection.

 

I commit myself when I do not live up to someone’s standards of perfections that I perceive and interpret to not go into a defense mechanism but to breathe and stay here in awareness as I see/realize/understand that I am within my mind as previous memories that are triggered.

 

I commit myself to not go into an energy pattern of needing to be perfect for others to try to prove my worth and value as I see/realize/understand that this comes for a feeling of inferiority and worthlessness of thinking that I am not perfect when that is all an illusion in my mind.

 

I commit myself to find out what my self-expression is within real perfection and empower myself to be that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day 726 Perfect, Perfectionist, Perfectionism Part 1

 

Perfectionist1In listening to the first interview  https://eqafe.com/i/ateale-perfection-the-un-holy-trinity-atlanteans-part-423 I began to investigate who I am within the words perfect, perfectionist, perfectionism to open up the points for myself as I follow through the series.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be perfect and have defined the word perfect as an energetic word and something I should be in order to please others especially my parents and teachers when I was a child so that I would not be picked on, be made wrong, criticized, compared to others and so did things to appear to be perfect but at the same time fear that I wasn’t and come up with all kinds of deflection mechanisms to avoid being found out.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a systematized personality of perfectionist even though underneath I feel far from being perfect but have developed myself to look a certain way to compensate myself for that by obsessing about things being imperfect as a defense and deflection mechanism.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start to lie at an early age that I had done things perfectly to get a positive energy charge from my parents and teachers to make it appear that I was doing things perfectly and look for rewards in the forms of being praised or having good marks to get a positive energy experience.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a negative energy experience of fear if I had done things imperfectly that I would be found out, scolded, made wrong and then to strive with anxiousness and nervousness to keep trying to be perfect and not be found out that I wasn’t.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have copied and emulated my mother and father and the energy that they had about keeping the house perfect for my father’s parents, the neighbors and to keep the outward appearances that everything we did was perfect.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a personality like my parents pointing out how others weren’t perfect in the way they kept their households or the jobs that they did to keep everything outward and not looking at ourselves and to become uptight and want to control everything not seeing/realizing/understanding that I was in a personality design going into energy and experience of a system that I learned from my parents.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to acquiesce my authority to adults that I couldn’t do things perfectly and so gave up trying to do anything physically that needed meticulousness and let them do it because I needed it to be perfect and so never learned how to do things perfectly.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to having frustration in memory of starting a sewing project and giving the hard parts to my mother to finish because I wanted it to look perfect and have people think I was a perfect seamstress and never learned how to do the hard parts myself and then gave up learning because I couldn’t do it as perfectly as my mother.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the polar opposite of my mother because it was easier to do that than to make mistakes and have them pointed out and so left things for her to finish instead of learn how to do things properly justifying to myself that I wasn’t good at it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for not teaching me anything properly because of their perfectionism so that when I do things imperfectly I tell others that my parents never taught me anything as a justification for not learning some things instead of pushing my way through it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want everything around me in my surroundings perfect like my parents had and to get upset when people don’t do things that way and want to correct them like my parents did to me not seeing/realizing/understanding that they have some of the same problems I do with their parents not teaching them the basics of some things and that I am projecting what my parents did to me and expecting them to do so what my parents wanted.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into energy, get upset and frustrated with fear when things are not done perfectly in my mind and to create separation with others by pointing out their faults and imperfect ways of doing things or react to them in the way they keep things imperfect.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear real perfectionists and that they are going to make demands on me and point out all me faults and imperfections.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut down when I think people expect perfectionism from me and to avoid situations that might need me to be perfect and just say I don’t know how to do it or give an excuse why I can’t

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control my environment and outcomes and be afraid of others self-expression and want it to be perfect in order to feel safe, secure, protected or guarded and feel out of control when people make mistakes where everything will go wrong or bad when others express themselves differently trying to keep a lid on everything and going into energy or anger when they appear to go out of control and imperfect.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being vulnerable and exposed when I think people are making mistakes and that I will have to be responsible for them and so try to control situations to maintain a perfect scenario

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not created a sense of self honesty, self-awareness and self-trust within myself for fear of things going out of control and that I might not be able to fix them or handle them and so go into the personality design of the perfectionist to not have to let myself go and let things flow.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want others to be expressive and go out of control and show their imperfection and feel I have to provide excuses to other people when they lose control and try to fix a situation or do damage control instead of just letting things happen and not have to take it personally as if it was about me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my perfectionist personality to manage people and point out there imperfection in order to create an obfuscation for them having to see my imperfection as a defense mechanism.

 

Whenever I see myself go into the personality design of perfectionist and wanting perfectionism, I stop and I breathe and slow things down to see, realize, understand who I am being in the situation and what I am trying to control, what I am avoiding in myself as far as my own self awareness, vulnerability or exposure or fear that everything will go wrong if I don’t control it.

 

When and as I see myself want to demand that others be perfect and control or judge them for not doing things a certain way because of my fear, I stop and breathe and forgive myself for judging them, trying to find excuses for them, as I see/realize/understand that it is my own fear of people’s self expression of doing things that I consider and judge as imperfect.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the world is not perfect and that people out of control are going to destroy it and want to find people who do things perfectly to fix things and when they are not fixed go into a fear that we are all doomed.

 

I commit myself to let go and let live and try not to fit things into my mind of perfectionism and personality design of perfectionist and to be more self expressive with less control for safety and security.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not being perfect when I do things and be very hard on myself and want to separate myself from people because they will see that I am not perfect.

 

I commit myself to not judge myself when I do things and to let it flow and not have to have things be perfect.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when new people are coming to my house have the need to have it look perfect and get upset when others don’t assist me in it looking that way and feel burdened that I have to do it all or have others think that things are not perfect going into memories of when my parents would go into energetic experiences when people were coming over and have to have the house perfect.

 

I commit myself to not go into the perfectionist personality when others come to my house and not have to worry about what they think about how I live and to let things flow.

 

I commit myself to see that life is perfect in all its imperfections and to become more self-aware and more self -expressive

Day 725 “People are a Pain in the Ass”

 

pain_in_the_ass_mdThe other day someone dropped by with a friend to introduce my partner and I to. This person had been a rock star in another country a few years ago and reached star status and then quit because it was too much for them. They moved to another country, changed their appearance and their name, and hid out for the last 7 years as a total recluse. I asked them why they did that and their answer was, “People are a pain in the ass”.

 

I could really relate and also wished most of the time that I could be a total recluse as I find that whenever I am around people I start to get annoyed with their habits, get irritated and frustrated if they are self-focused or only look at things for their own self-interest and advantage and want something from me or my partner and don’t give anything back, or complain about what they don’t have when so many people in the world have much less than them where I have constant back chat and feel very disenchanted with people and think that most are trying to manipulate a situation to get what they want. I find I am mostly suspicious of people and I find that I am constantly looking at what their agenda really is, get paranoid about what their motives are, or find fault with their belief systems or how deluded they are. I especially have a hard time when I go to all kinds of trouble to teach them things, discuss things about their lives and give advice on how they can make it better but find they go back to old patterns and not take the advice.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and judge within my mind that people are a pain in the ass and that I have to negotiate being around everyone because I don’t trust them and that I look for signs to affirm my interpretations of people or talk to others about what they have done previously and be on the guard all the time thinking that they don’t have the purest of intentions but only want something for themselves and not the greater whole.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a continual back chat going about someone when I watch their habits and it seems self -focused and they are looking out for just themselves and what they want instead of looking for what is best for everyone in a situation especially if they do what is not equitable in my mind by taking more or wanting more than they give.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be suspicious of people and their true motives and become obsessed with looking for people’s faults, their prior history, what they say and then what they do and see if it all matches up to how they speak and judge them when I don’t think they live according to my preferences of rightful action.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take an accounting of what people do and take and see if they give reciprocally to my liking and my expectations not seeing/realizing/understanding that I am going into my own self-interest when I do that making sure the scales are balanced with going into the mind of judgment and what I believe is fair.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when someone shows up at the door or connects with me to immediately wonder if they are going to be a pain in the ass and be a problem that will take up my time and other’s time in their self-interest and immediately dislike them if I interpret they are doing that and not want to continue a relationship with them because I think I will later regret getting involved with them because I will have to do things for them that I don’t like and they won’t reciprocate and I will have to face getting angry, resentful, frustrated and more by suppressing all the emotions within me because I will get overwhelmed by them and their needs to be fulfilled.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only like people who are not a problem to me and don’t make waves and make my job easier and to dread having to deal with anyone that is a potential problem to where I make up excuses or give the job to someone else because I just don’t think I can deal with a person like that and there are others more suited to the job.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self-devaluation when people have told me that I am a problem to deal with and diminish myself and judge myself because I don’t want to be like a person that I don’t like to deal with and take it as an insult.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have back chat like, “Not them again, I can’t deal with them, they are so selfish and don’t think about anyone but themselves” where I listen to the back chat and give up on people or communicating with them because I don’t believe I have the ability to be patient or understanding and easily get frustrated with communication and end up feeling that I have to make them wrong.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I feel that I can’t handle someone and all their needs to be met to try to convince my partner that we need to get rid of that person or they are going to drain us and so go about a strategy on how to do that instead of learning how to direct things and talk to people but find it easier to just create a separation between them and myself.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want to surround myself with people I like and who like me and we are on the same page and they don’t ask me of too much and they aren’t selfish but giving which there are quite a few people in the world like that.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get really uncomfortable and feel paralyzed and suffocated around people who are self -focused and want attention all the time and just want to get rid of them instead of talking to them directly and looking at solutions but feel more relieved if they just disappear.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine in my mind moving away and getting away from people who I don’t like or I find are too difficult to be with and not tell them where I am going.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy and emulate my parents and how they were so uncomfortable around other people and couldn’t wait until they left and didn’t have to deal with them anymore and lived a reclusive life.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a systemic way of being of wanting to avoid people and get away from them when I feel uncomfortable and go into back chat about how much I don’t want to have anything to do with them again when they start to exhibit certain behavior of selfishness or self-interest or try to use me for anything to get what they want with a voice that I determine as phony and disingenuous and to obsess about the phoniness and have to point it out to others to see if they agree.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear phony and disingenuous people especially if I think they are lying instead of standing, breathing, not going into judgment and directing the situation without energy or trying to catch them in a lie.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to past grudges of what people did in the past and to believe that people never change and they will do it again and again and that I don’t want to be at the effect of it and so avoid people who I have had bad situations with in the past instead of forgiving them and moving forward and opening up discussions with them about other possibilities in the way of being.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create consequences with people because I, in haste, communicated with energy of irritation and frustration or just wanted to get away from someone or have them leave so I don’t have to deal with them where I then go into blaming them that they were the cause of the problem instead of looking at my starting point and how I was communicating in the first place.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed and obsessed within my mind when there has been a conflict with someone especially where I think they are being self-focused and did things only for their benefit and not a mutual benefit where I want to point out how selfish and self-focused they are and make them wrong for being that way even though almost everyone on the planet is that way, so that I can feel self-righteous and superior about myself as I have taken on the belief that selfish, self-interested people are wrong and bad and the cause of all the problems in the world and they should know how I feel about them in my own deluded sense of self-aggrandizement not seeing that my self-righteousness is also self-interest.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into patterns of resentment and hatred towards others when they do what I think is wrong and want to make them wrong and pull myself away from them.

 

When and as I see myself go into patterned behavior of watching, judging, evaluating, avoiding, and condemning others where I go into back chat of past events or looking for phoniness or dis-ingenuousness in others based on believing that ‘people are a pain in the ass’ as the starting point and I need to guard and protect myself from them to avoid mishaps and unwelcome events, I stop and breath and slow myself down communicating with understanding and equality and looking for the being in the equation instead of fencing with the mind and looking for systems and patterns to make wrong. I see/realize/understand that it is my own short comings of being able to communicate without a charge of energy and so I look to communicate in a non-charged way where I can find a way to communicate properly.

 

When and as I see myself go into anxiety, nervousness, frustration, irritation with others I stop and

 

I commit myself to move beyond my self-imposed limitations with people and to breath through all the emotions that come up when dealing with others and look at new ways to communicate.

 

I commit myself to let go of the past of all failed communications and relationships that I have with others.

 

I commit myself to when and as I go into back chat and thought patterns about people to stop and breathe and not find the reason to have to be right all the time.

 

 

Day 724 Protect and Defend When Attacked

DDoS-attackI have been walking the word protect since my beingness reading and have been looking at the systematized way that I have created protection within my mind. In listening to  https://eqafe.com/i/ateale-protect-defend-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-83 many points opened up for me as this was like a case study for me in protection and defense. I recently had a couple staying at my house working on something and they were continually attacking me about how I did things, my participation in the organization that I created which I took personal as it has been going for almost 25 years. When I reacted to the attack, one person would say, ”I thought you said that the work you are doing on yourself was not about reacting” to which I would then have another reaction and then try to explain myself which never went over well. In the interview it is suggested to hear the other person and see the program that they are in, to not take it personal and to direct it by finding a solution which I judged myself as being a failure at doing by going into the protection and defense mechanisms of the mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take personal any attacks on me or my life work and business by others as if it is about me and not about the program that they have in their minds and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a reaction within myself and judge the reaction that I had when I took it personal and try to defend myself or explain myself never feeling that I was making any difference whatsoever because I went into a reaction and personality of protection and defense.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as doing a poor job in certain areas where someone is better and stronger at it than me and then think everything is being attacked about me instead of seeing where I have weaknesses and strengths and where I excel at other things.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being a failure in communication by reacting to people’s attacks and not standing but go into my insecurity that I am not as good as others at certain abilities instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that people are better at certain things than I am and if they go on the attack then I stand, breathe, and not get entangled in their mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be stable within going into a reaction and taking an attack on by business personal instead of directing the situation and asking questions and assisting the other to see their mind patterns and projections and ask them to elaborate on what they are saying but just see it as an attack on me personally and go into a systematized reaction of defense.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into back chat that all I want is to get rid of that person and find other people who do not have the attack pattern that I can collaborate with and to be overwhelmed with thought patterns and imaginations about letters I am going to write and attack them back and get rid of them and feel a relief for the attack.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself go into a reaction when I wrote this person a letter to let go of the past and work together and they completely ignored me and never replied to where I was accelerated in my back chat and revenge on being ignored to where I was plotting and planning to get rid of this person once and for all and start judging them for all their beliefs and keep saying to myself they are not in alignment with me at all and I am not giving them anything else.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be consumed with energy that went into my arms, head, chest, solar plexus when I thought about these people and how victimized I felt by their attack that I needed to protect and defend myself against them and that I would not give them another chance for ignoring my communication and only dealing with my partner and not discussing with him why they were ignoring me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have memories when there was an energy of being attacked by my brother or my father that I thought was really unfair and suppressed myself with the energy of victimization, anger, hatred, resentment and just wanted to get away from them and never have to succumb to their energy of attack ever again because I took it personal and didn’t direct it to a solution.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate a list in my mind about all the things that they don’t do right and all I have done for them as my best defense in case this is brought up again and I will have a litany of things to bring back as my best defense is a good offense.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that my way of reacting is also attackative and being at war with another even though I feel justified in my words and actions because I believed they attacked me first.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create consequences with others by going on the attack in defense of being attacked where nothing is really resolved out of my fear of hearing what they have to say and for going into a reaction going into a perpetual mind loop with people instead of expanding in understanding.

 

When and as I see myself go into a protection and defense mode when I see and hear someone attacking me or attacking what I do and I have taken it personal where I have a strong physical reaction where I want to lash out or suppress myself with thoughts, back chat, emotional energy with anger, revenge, hatred and to have imaginations of just getting rid of someone who has attacked me and not give them anything of what I am doing because they attacked me, I stop and breathe and I do not react, I do not say anything or become possessed within my mind but keep breathing in and out. I assist the other in seeing what their programming is after waiting until there is no reaction within myself and ask questions about what they are saying and direct the situation by finding out what they are really communicating. I see/realize/understand that I sometimes say attackative things without really communicating what I want to say and so look for that in other people and ask them what they mean by what they are saying and not reacting to their words or criticisms.

 

I commit myself to stabilize myself when I go into a reaction of protection and defense as I see/realize/understand that this is within the mind as systematized form of protection and stand as my being as the protection that is not energetic in nature.

 

I commit myself to be patient with people in the way that they communicate and to not take it personal in the way that they do that.

 

I commit myself to look for a solution that is best for all instead of going into a reaction of just wanting to get rid of someone or not have anything to do with them again.

 

I commit myself to see/realize/understand that all attacking is the same in that it is reactive and conflictive even when I feel justified in going into protection and defense against an attack.

Day 723 From Unsafe to Safe

unsafeAfter listening to  https://eqafe.com/i/ateale-protect-honour-guardian-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-82, I saw/realized/understood that I hadn’t opened up all the dimensions of protection in my recent blog on redefining the word protect. I saw that one form of protection that I have is where I react internally when I don’t feel safe around people and go into reaction patterns where I think I am protecting myself by  trying to find safety that doesn’t really exist outside of myself.

 

A few days ago in listening to someone share about an addiction that they have to a behavior considered to be pretty abhorrent in our society,  I was struck by one statement they made and that is that they were enticed into the addiction pattern when they felt unsafe.

 

When they felt unsafe they had the desire to go out and act out the addiction behavior. This particular addiction has to do with being a voyeur watching others being violated and abused which is triggered by their own feelings of being unsafe. The voyeur was addicted to watching someone else who was incredibly unsafe,  so basically a vicious cycle of going into the addictive pattern where  polarity was occurring.

 

So pondering inside myself, I see/realize/understand that I have never felt safe anywhere. I didn’t feel safe when growing up at home, going to school and being bullied or picked on by teachers, and going into the work force where I was in a competitive situation with others where situations with people seemed to happen out of the blue that would threaten me. Last week someone made an off the cuff remark about me which was quite abusive and I felt like being punched in the stomach and having the wind knocked out of me. This person then admitted that they had an addiction to poking at people because they felt insecure and had been poked at by their father and brothers and so was acting this out towards me. I saw my reaction as my protection where I went into a fight or flight mode and became very upset and left the room and went into a behavior of not wanting to have anything to do with this person or being around them.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unsafe in basically every situation where I feel that I have to protect myself, hide myself away from abusers or from situations that could happen out of the blue where I feel the wind knocked out of me when someone does or says something abusive and have a reaction that I want to hide away, move away, be alone, or become abusive back in revenge for being put in a situation where I was unsafe.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling unsafe and go into anxiousness, nervousness, terror, anger when I do feel unsafe acting out reactions inside of myself and judging myself for all the emotions.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to isolate myself when I don’t feel safe and come up with a plan in my mind in how to feel okay within myself like a good line of defense instead of being here , experiencing what comes up and changing in the moment from all the energy of the emotions and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the pattern of energy, emotion, so that I can go into isolation when I feel the energy to justify why I have to do that in my mind to act out the pattern of polarization in order to feel safe.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the pay off be that I can isolate myself when situations happen where I felt unsafe as the reason why I need to isolate myself from others if they acted as what I interpreted as being unsafe to be around

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust anyone because I know if they have inner demons and that they could come out at any moment and knock me off my feet and so have developed a very strong defense mechanism to everyone with highly developed radar of watching their behavior and being on edge around them never fully relaxing expecting something to happen.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have developed ultra sensitive radar about people especially if their voice tonality changes, they start to rant and rave and go into attack mode, they seem to be looking for someone to dump on , when they start trying to be funny by poking fun at me where I want to stay clear of anyone like that not seeing/realizing/understanding that I am like that as well in the polarity of when I am possessed with an idea of something that I don’t like about someone or a situation and want to lash out at them as well where they feel unsafe around me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an internal reaction where my entire body hurts, I have a pit in my stomach, my eyes get really wide as I grimace and want to do something with my body or imagine wanting to hit the person who insults me or pokes at me and rationalize it with feeling unsafe around them.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have back chat of ‘never wanting to have anything to do with someone who I feel unsafe around and just want them to leave” because I feel uncomfortable and unsafe with them and don’t want to repeat it again where I feel something might come out of the blue, reminiscing of feeling that way as a child that anything can happen at any moment where I feel unsafe.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the energy suppressed within me of several incidences of my father sneaking up behind me catching me doing something that he didn’t approve of and then yelling at me where I became startled and terrified and  created a coat of armor around me and felt unsafe to be in my own home so that I project that everywhere that I am now.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to myself when I feel unsafe and go into self-judgment of myself for not feeling safe thinking that something will come out of nowhere and attack me but that it is bad to live like that.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the feeling of being unsafe because I will be on my toes waiting for something to happen and I can react back to it with internal conflict inside and it gives me a reason to be on guard all the time being right that no one can be trusted.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to others when I think they are imposing themselves onto me where I don’t feel safe instead of seeing that people are who they are and I am interpreting things from the personality of being unsafe wherever I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at people in their minds as to what their potential abuse or danger could be so that I am at the ready to react and act out the unsafe personality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to push people away because I feel unsafe with them not seeing/realizing/understanding that this exists within me but look for things in them that I categorize as unsafe.

 

When and as I see the experience come up within me of feeling nervous, anxious, irritated by someone else’s presence and judge the situation as unsafe because of certain personality habits that they have, I stop and breathe and bring myself here and do not react to what they say. Instead I bring the reaction back to me and breathe in and out slowly dissipating the energy and looking for the source point, which is that I don’t feel safe. I then create the safety as myself without having to go into protection.

 

Redefining safe as a living word – to be fully here in my physical body able to respond to things without energy or reaction but directing the situation with calmness and clarity.

 

I commit myself to not act out reactions of feeling unsafe and learn how to communicate effectively with people when they say things that I feel are insulting or being made fun of  or poking at me and discussing it with them without any energy or reaction.

 

I commit myself to be the living word of safe where I am here in my physical body breathing in and out without energy or defensiveness.

 

I commit myself to stand in the face of obstacles, conflict, other people’s projections, adversity and be safe within my self by not reacting and continuing to be here in breath.

 

 

Day 722 The Emotional Mind Part 1

Emotional MindAfter listening to this interview https://eqafe.com/i/ateale-the-emotional-mind-the-future-of-consciousness-part-72 I am deconstructing my emotional mind from within the Quantum Physical and Physical. There are more interviews to come so will write more as the points opened up but this is what I have seen so far within it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be programmed and have an emotional mind system within and as me that I have abdicated myself to and lived from in emotional experiences from deep within my quantum physical and physical extracting the substance of my physical to run this program of the emotional mind where I go into excessive emotional experiences and judge myself for them and judge myself for accumulating them and letting them release going into isolation and separation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when sitting across from someone go into the emotional mind and have a different experience than what is actually in fact happening based on their mannerisms, behavior, words and interpret it differently than what they are actually saying and to hang onto that memory as if it is right and the way it is happening going into mind emotional possession when I think of this memory in my thoughts and really believe that it happened that way and create more energy in by body from the memory.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take all the energy from my mind, physical and being to where I am exhausted to keep this program going because I am sure that I am right, sure that I experienced it a certain way and have a story that goes along with it about what this person did to me, said to me and that I was victimized by that person not seeing/realizing/understanding the starting point which I was activated into the emotional mind like a simulation that wasn’t real.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have memories of my mother going into an energetic experience and talking about someone about how much wrong they did to her where she would embellish the situation and I would think, ‘It didn’t really happen that way” and that I have copied and emulated my mother by going into that same emotional experience about others where I thought it happened a certain way when it didn’t.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe something really happened a certain way even when others told me that it didn’t happen that way and think they were making it up or lying about it and be positive that I heard it a certain way and want to stick to the story because I got more energy out of that story when I tell it to someone else and become addicted to the energy of being victimized by another.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my mother when she would go into the emotional mind with emotional experiences and tell stories when it didn’t go that way and become polarized with her judging her for doing that and for judging myself when I would become emotional like she did and become the emotional mind because I had judged her as wrong and so I believed on some level I was wrong like her.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become defensive when people would tell me that I was emotional because of the self-judgment that it is wrong to be emotional and that being emotional is inferior to people who are not emotional.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need to be emotional because I can release energy that is built up within me not seeing/realizing/understanding that the emotional mind created all the energy to such a degree that I needed to have a release valve and that by stopping the possession of it I would not have to be emotional later on.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to not be an emotional person so that when I become emotional I think I am wrong and bad and try to suppress it all or have an emotional break down so I can feel normal again feeling embarrassed that I had broken down and being afraid of being judged.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself build up the emotions and keep accumulating them because that is what feels normal to me until it becomes so overwhelming and I can’t control myself I let it all out at once in a big gush where I don’t make any sense using all the memories that are not real direct me into the emotional state spurting out nonsensical things that seem to make sense to me but not to others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have seen the source point in the moment of the event where I went into the emotional mind which is about my own self judgment , feeling like I am being made wrong, insulted, put down, judged, inferiorized, laughed at, humiliated, misunderstood, dominated and that it is always an internal experience which then induces a completely separate reality break going into a tunnel where I believe people are saying other things than what is said in an expanded way and to then live from that memory as if it was real.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a paranoia that everyone is after me because of the memories that I have from my emotional mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my own interpretations of reality by accepting and allowing the emotional mind to take over with a simulation of what I think happened but didn’t actually in fact occur.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have seen/realized/understood the amount of damage that is done when I consume a vast amount of energy from my physical body to run the programs from memories of my emotional mind and to feel completely depleted after I run the programs because inevitably I have to let it all out at once.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fear that I am mentally sick when I am confronted with what people say that they said to me and what I thought that I heard them say and believe they are judging me as mentally unstable which further exacerbates the situation of me going into my self judgment that I am mentally unstable.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone into conflict with others about what I said and what they said that I said, believing that I was always right because that is how I remembered it not seeing/realizing/understanding that I was within my emotional mind at the time and it was only an interpretation of reality and judging the interpretations.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have seen/realized/understood that my perception of things was shadowed by my own fear which is that I feared others would reject me, my ideas, and what I had done in my life and so heard that they were doing that to me and then I polarized with them thinking that what they had said was in my internal dialogue and my perception and thus created conflict from the energy of polarity.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to others and gossip about people about what they said thinking that it was real to get more energy about being victimized by that person believing that what I heard was real and wanting others to believe that too not seeing/realizing/understanding that I was creating consequences by trying to influence others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go on what I heard as a complete memory that I have told over and over again because I believed I was right when that is not in fact what actually happened and even when I am told revert back to my story just to be right looking for others that will agree with me.

 

 

When and as I see myself start to go into an energy experience where I feel my entire emotional mind start to participate, I stop, slow down, breathe and keep breathing in and out and I stay here looking and seeing what is actually happening in real time. I keep breathing and listen to what someone else says and I do not go into judging it, defending myself from it, go into back chat, but stay here breathing not participating in the emotional construct. I let the energy go and breathe and bring myself to the source point of what it is that I am experiencing in that moment and look for any self judgments and apply self forgiveness. I do not speak from there and keep breathing in and out forgiving any emotional experiences or thoughts that I have as I see/realize/understand that if I communicate from energy I will create consequences and build up the energy that I will need to release .

 

When and as I see myself start to talk about a past experience where I want to be right about what someone else did or what I heard, I stop and breathe and bring myself here and not continue to participate in the mind for energy. I look and see what happened in reality and not my interpretation of the story and not add anything. I let the past go and my need to be right.

 

When and as I see myself have the need to make someone wrong about what I think that they did to me, I stop and breathe and let it go as I see/realize/understand I am going into my righteous personality to gain energy and am accumulating memories that I then go into a emotional mind possession.

 

When and as I polarize with another I stop and breathe and look at what is the fear that exists within and as myself that they may be judging myself about I say or what I do and stop any attempts to make things up in my mind that they are against me or in conflict with me.

 

I commit myself to not accumulate energy

 

I commit myself to be here and not in mind simulations where I go into emotions

 

I commit myself to stop thoughts that generate energy where I get emotional

 

I commit myself to deconstruct the emotional mind so I am not at the effect of it but I am the directive principle.

 

I commit myself to learn how to communicate effectively so that I am not stirring up more emotion or energy.